author q&a

When Vicki Forman went into labor at twenty-three weeks and gave birth to one-pound twins, an unanticipated journey began. Daughter, Ellie, died four days later; son, Evan, had multiple disabilities and passed away in July, 2008.  Here Vicki shares with her readers a bit about the process of writing the book and bringing her experience into the world.

Question:  You used some journal entries in your book.  Did you keep a journal in anticipation of writing the book?

Vicki:  I started keeping a journal about two or three weeks after the twins were born. I didn’t know whether I would want to write a book, but I suspected I might. I knew that the immediacy of the experience would fade and that in order to retain the language and the information, I’d have to write things down. I was a bit sporadic about keeping the journal, and wrote in it mostly during crisis points.  The rest of the time, that first year, I was at the hospital so much, writing took a back seat, obviously, to living.

A year or so after Evan came home, I was able to begin a draft of the book.  Once I started writing the first draft, I more or less put the journal aside.  Honestly, I’ve never been a huge journal writer, but in this case I’m very glad I did.

Question:  Your book reveals a great deal of perspective on your experience, both personally and also about medicine and society.  Did the process of writing the book help you gain perspective?

Vicki:  Writing absolutely gave me perspective.  While I knew this would be a tough story, I also knew it had to be an honest story.  To do that, I was called upon to grow as a writer and a person.  In order for this to be a book that others would want to read, I felt it was important to accept and move beyond certain visceral, and possibly unresolved feelings.  I wanted the story of acceptance and love to be the strongest element that emerged from a reader’s experience.  I also realized that if I failed to be honest about my own flaws, or tell the truth about my actions, then that same story of acceptance and love would not have been believable.  It was hard earned growth.

Question: It seems, through your writing about the experience of mothering Evan that you softened. Do you feel he changed you?

Vicki:  My son changed me, definitely.  Before he and Ellie were born, I was the kind of person who thought she knew all the answers.  From Evan and Ellie, I learned how much I did not know.

Question:  Given your experience, what would you say to a woman who might find herself in your same situation, having delivered impossibly small twins, maybe even asking for them to be, as you did, “to let them go”?

Vicki:  I’d tell her just that—you don’t have the answers.   You may think you know how this will turn out, but you don’t.  When Evan and Ellie were born, I wasn’t prepared for a future as their mother.  Life never prepares us for the unknown, and so we hope to avoid it.  I think we all know how impossible that is.

Question: Do you hope doctors will read your book?

Vicki:  I do, but mostly because I believe doctors already think about these issues, and yet are rarely given the time or place to think about them deeply enough.  I hope the book allows for a more penetrating discussion.  Doctors are almost always confronted with the questions of life and death in an emergent situation, when their job is to save a life.  Taking the time to consider these issues when an emergency is not at hand can only deepen our understanding of the ethical and moral considerations medicine invokes.

Question: You’re bringing this book into the world having suffered a great loss.

Vicki:  The epilogue comes as a very hard ending to the story.  It was a tragic ending for us as a family.  The book will appear on the anniversary of my son’s death, which is a very public way to have an anniversary.  Because I’ve written about Evan for so long, people feel connected to him; they feel they know him.  While grieving privately as a family, I still believe in honoring that public aspect of my son’s life.  Evan had a huge life force and he remains a force.  I’m grateful for this.  He was my greatest teacher and I am honored to acknowledge that gift with this story.